2. November 2011

I have lost count... but soon I have been some 70 hours under the vow of pratyahara

 I seem to be very absolute with it. Often I feel that I am returning to other mans life. So much has changed in such short time. I feel an intense desire to be in meditation, to stop all activity that is keeping me from it. The senses seem to become more sensitive. For example I can see in dark. There seems not to be such darkness, that my eyes could not penetrate. The adaptation from cone cell photoreceptors, to rod cell vision happens almost supernaturally fast. I seem not to need even a candle. I dream to have a small room, with thick stony walls, painted black, without any ray of light. Absolutely no light; pure sensory deprivation.

Then there is a blue flame, I see it in relation to women. With the eyes of brahmachari, even such women that I used to think as irritating, awkard, unatractive, seem to have become sweet and beautiful. I don´t even have to look, I feel it. I may turn into a sea of fire in one split second, but the fire is cool, not demanding. There is no warmth.

I seem to be completely self-absorbed. I seem not to care whether I live or die, whether this is time or eternity. It is like building a dam for a mighty river. The waters keep on rising, and I build the walls ever higher. A gigantic effort.

Yet I am determined. I will go on this evening, tomorrow, this week and the next week. After that, it will be a new record. A personal Mount Sagarmatha. I am still in the base camp, packing things, breathing extra oxygen from bottles. I imagine when I get to the peak, and can get no higher, I will have to learn to levitate, like monk Blessed Lightning in Hergé's story Tintin In Tibet.
With this intention, I suppose it could be possible. With this intention, I shall ascend to Saturn, Jupiter, the sun, Omega centauri, Magellan clouds, Messier 83.

I don´t know why now. It is not that I haven´t tried brahmacharya before. Many times. But this time I have a feeling of shipwreck. I am in this raft of time. Le Radeau de la Méduse. This planet. The ship of fools. A ship populated by "human inhabitants who are deranged, frivolous, or oblivious, passengers aboard a ship without a pilot, and seemingly ignorant of their own direction". Every day, humans seem to become more blind, more ignorant. More so, that I can bear to watch. Finally I have opened the ninth gate. It took so long. The Nine Gates to the Kingdom of Shadows.

At first I thought something is wrong in meditation, as it´s effects didn´t seem to last very long. One or two days, then gone. But no, nothing wrong with meditation. The wrong is in me, in my attitude. In my desire. Oh, I always thought I could find ecstasy, that I could find peace, find myself, but always another succubus. Millions of them. A Lilith other another; the bhuts, the nymphs.

Isa 34:14 "The wild beasts of the desert shall also meet with the jackals, And the
wild goat shall bleat to its companion; Also the night creature (Lilith) shall rest
there."

In certain level, it is hopeless to try resist her, if you are a man. I never was, fully. I was a boy, then a coyote, harlequine, clown, a shaman, zanni, puck, oberon, krampus, percht, cobold... a satyr, the poet. After about 45 hours I saw myself a male among other men, and then i saw how this shape disappeared, and I ceased to be a man. I absolutely ceased. There was nothing anymore to connect me with men. There never was a full identification, but now even the little was gone. I felt liberated. I wish not go back to that stage anymore.