From Pratikramana to Pratyakhan

It is a funerary candle, designed to last long times in persons grave. I like to use one in meditation, because of the symbolism. And in a way, meditation, and this life, is a form of dying.  Nirvana means "blowing out", it is a mystical death. To avoid the real death, I hurry myself towards small death in meditation. And I enjoy it, because it is ecstacy.

Today, Monday, I noticed myself doing some introspection. Pratikramana. I was out there, in this world, when sudeenly I came to think about the petals of Mooladhara. I felt that somehow they were out of order. I felt myself unholy, or dirty - there was some dirt in one petal. So I asked, oh God, what is this. What I have done. What am I. And it was then I remembered.

I see two layers in Brahmacharya. I would say that the first layer is the chastity. It is the discipline. Under it, is a deeper layer, the second layer, and it is the core, the motivation, the attitude.
I feel, that in that level, it all comes to my relation with women. Is it pure, or not. Am I bitter. Do I lust after something. Maybe I am not even aware of all that I have. I have done so many mistakes. It has taken long time to grow. How saintly I am? Really?

I feel longing... to confess.. to speak with mother. With the mother. No, I am not the masculine man. I am not a man at all, I am just a boy. Why pretend. I never even wish to grow up to become real man, or adult, if that means something cynical. To be a man, means that you have an ego. Ego is not a good thing in meditation. Better put the ego away and just surrender.

I was thinking what Mohammed said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers are women." If this is true, then why be attached to women, I mean.... Somebody in internet commented this, that "He automatically condemns the majority of them [women] to hell" but I can not interpret this in such way. I feel rather, that he might actually looked at hell, and he was just describing what he saw. Just reporting. It doesn´t have to be misogyny or condemning, or male superiority complex. Maybe women can not do it. I remember Buddha was telling the same thing. He said that women must take the next birth as males, then they may reach nirvana.

I feel that I have always put women in some sort of false pedestal. I have thought, oh, they are the shakti, so they must be more close to God, than we men. But sure this is illusion. And I think this misconception is one part of my suffering, and perhaps some bitterness, that I have felt towards women. I mean, I have felt, if they are shakti, then why don´t women just become the Goddess, why they don´t just go to samadhi, and take me with them.

The reality is, that such things don´t happen. In reality. Such things happen only in my fantasies. And I wish to come to reality, and untie the maya knot. I feel that this particular illusion is the reason why my Brahmacharya has... if not alltogether failed, but has been limited, and imperfect. I have idealized women. I have romanticized this life. This romanticism is not needed. It´s of no use to anyone. It is a source of suffering.

I must do pratikramana, introspection, and think my priorities. What is my priority? Do I wish to fall in love, do I wish to find a right woman? I think no. I rather would like to be in nirvana. I wish to see the reality. So far, I have not seen a woman, who could help me with meditation, help me with the ascent. If I think this, I get to feel that even the whole idea is bit ridiculous. Then the other question; could I actually help some woman with her meditation? I think no. I have never met a woman who would be so serious with meditation. Men, I have met.

I notice, that I have had a conditioning about Heaven. I have thought, that there will be men and women in heaven, like in here. 50% and 50%, so no one will have to be alone there. But if it is true that the majority of people in hell are women, that means that the majority of people in heaven will be males. Didn´t William Blake write something like that too? This is a whole new thought for me.
In a way, I have felt something like this, instinctually. For example, I have felt that my identity is that of lesbian woman. I think, most of all, I am a lesbian woman, not a man, and not even a boy. I have often felt that I am far more feminine than any women I see. I have felt that there is something celestial in my femininity; religious, spiritual. For other purposes, it is of no use. I could never charm a woman by telling her that I am more a woman as her, or that I am a lesbian. This is an anathema, a killer of love. But it is also true.

So I ask myself, why would I dream of romantic love, or woman of my dreams, when I myself, I am the Romance, and I am the Woman? Why look such things from outside, when I have the self?
Many men hate women, and religion is often based on misogyny, so I am on a slippery slope here now. Yet I walk on it, and climb higher, towards the icy peaks. I think men hate women, because they are dependent of them. I used to be such man, so I should know. I was always attached to relationship, and was addicted to love. And it caused suffering. I couldnt understand it, because I though, that this is love, I love, what could be wrong in love?

I have nothing against women. I think almost all people live their life without divine light, and they are far from nirvana. Most people dont even have a wish to achieve nirvana. So many are agnostic, and proud about it. Women are no better than men. Men are no better than women. Every human being is a personality, is a human being, and not just their gender. I heaven, we will be all angels, androgynes, all white and feathery, all pure. I just happen to be partly angel in this life, but angels are nothing sweet. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke said that terrible is every angel, and I certainly am. My intellect is cold as ice, and sharp as needle. It is the Himalayas. Nothing human in it. It is cosmic intellect. I can not make money with it. I am impractical. I only wish to achieve nirvana, that is all I want.

I feel that Brahmacharya is particularly hard for me, because I am so close to woman; I am a woman. I am well aware what I desire. Why would I not? I am the shivalingam. I am the essence of what others seek. So I watch the petals of Mooladhara, and do introspection, and this pratikramana turns to become pratyakhan, a vow; a vow of celibacy. This time I wish not to fall, this time I wish to climb higher. As high as I can possible get. And there will I sit in snow, and stop all human thinking. I will allow only Olympic thoughts in my brain. I will die, and I will become the jivan mukti, this is my desire, and while I write this, all the four petals of my Mooladhara become pure red, red as rose, and they gave the fragrance of a rose. the rose fragrance rises up, and fills the lotus with its silence. The silence is dark, it is ambrosia. I dont know what say about it, but I see fierce passions. And then the purity, the steady pratyakhan. It is under everything, for pratyakhan is like roots that go underground. It is not a matter of conscious will. A pratyakhan vow is born, it is a blessing, not a decision.
And I am in this pratyakhan, I sit on it. It is like sitting on a throne.